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Fear
A
talk given to the Spiritualist Centre of Dunedin in January 2005
Tonight I want to have a closer look at fear. Fear is a key emotion
that signals to us that our safety could be threatened and we are in
danger. It is an important emotion we use to keep ourselves safe.
Unfortunately, all too often, our fear works against us instead of
protecting us and keeps us from developing our full spiritual potential.
When
we are drawn towards something we generally feel emotions like joy and
happiness, and hope. When we are driven away we feel emotions like
disgust, hate and fear. So where do we learn these reactions from?
When
a baby experiences an event for the first time it must make a guess
about what that experience means, about whether it is something good to
try and repeat or something bad to be avoided. Over time it links all
the decisions it has made about what is good and what is bad in the
environment in which it lives to form a sort of map inside itself about
what they think the world out there is like. Each new experience is
then compared against the existing map as a guide to decide what to do.
So, a baby sees a dog, mentally goes to the map inside itself and sees
that in the past dogs have been scary, and therefore feels fear.
This
map of how we see the world, must also be a map of how we see ourselves
and how we fit in the world, and so forms the basis of our sense of
identity. It is heavily shaped by our childhood experiences, but each
and every new experience can alter the map and our sense of identity.
Traumatic
events in our lives often lead to perceptions about our world that may
help us survive the moment of trauma, but create difficulties when we
apply our decisions of that moment to the rest of our lives. An act of
violence, particularly repeated violence, can lead to beliefs like,
“You can’t trust anyone” or “you are better to keep to yourself”. Such
people see the world as a dangerous place to be and shut off parts of
themselves in order to survive.
If
the adults in our world do not teach us good values such as what is
right and what is wrong, the need to love and care for each other, and
to be fair in our dealings, then those values cannot be incorporated
into our map. If the values they do teach us by words or by actions are
beliefs like, “It’s a dog eat dog world, everyone is out to get you so
you get them before they get you”, or “It’s OK to do anything so long
as you don’t get caught” then those beliefs will become a part of the
map and influence everything you choose to do. We can have effective
positive maps or we can have dysfunctional, negative maps, but whatever
our map is like our maps drive our behaviour.
Most
animals are born with their brain already fully developed. But we
humans are very different. Our brain continues to grow after birth. New
nerve cells or neurons are still being grown particularly during the
first five years of life. The environment we are brought up in affects
the way our neurons grow. Some neural pathways, for example those
involved in learning language, are laid down at particular times during
those early years and if we are not stimulated properly by hearing good
language at the time the pathways are being grown, our language ability
is affected and it becomes much harder to learn language later.
It is hard to do because the neurons for it just aren’t there. Other
neurons that have not been designed for language learning must do their
best to pick up the task instead. It is the same for our ability to
feel empathy for other people. Some people struggle to feel empathy for
others because the brain cells for empathy were not laid down at the
critical time. They don’t feel empathy because they just don’t have the
brain cells for it. For them, it is hard to learn later and obviously
such people are more likely to become violent in some way during their
lives because they are not aware of the effect of their actions on
other people like the rest of us are.
Our
ego is based on our inner map and our sense of identity. Sometimes we
have made accurate decisions about what we should be afraid of, and
sometimes we have made incorrect decisions about what we should be
afraid of. Sometimes what we experience is really dangerous and we
should feel fear, but sometimes what we experience is real and true,
but it is a truth we do not want to face because we do not have the
courage to include that experience into our map. When we have an
experience that contradicts the map we already have, the ego often sees
it as a threat, as something to be afraid of. To the ego, a challenging
idea can be as threatening as a vicious dog or car accident. It tends
to see a change in our identity as its own death and reacts out of fear.
So,
sometimes instead of alerting us to danger, we use fear to avoid
situations in which we should stay strong and experience it fully and
make it a part of our map. We use several mind games to avoid using our
courage to overcome our fear.
Sometimes
rather than feel the fear, we deny the event altogether. We say things
like, “Oh, no, it can’t be, I can’t believe it”. These are all words of
denial. What is happening is so distressing, that we do not have the
strength to face up to it at all. We might say, “I’m not upset” when we
really know we are”. We can hide it from others, but we can also hide
it from ourselves. It usually means that what is being experienced is
such a radical challenge to the map we have about how we think the
world is, that we can not even acknowledge that it is happening.
At
other times we are able to accept that something has happened, but we
still have fear, so we distort the way interpret the event, so it
becomes more bearable. We minimise the event. We might say, “What I
didn’t wasn’t really that bad and he wasn’t really that angry with me
about it” when we are afraid to face the fact that our actions have
deeply upset someone or “I know I drink a lot, but I don’t have a
problem with alcohol”, when we have a problem with alcohol.
Next,
we can justify away the reasons for our fears. “I know what I did
wasn’t right, but I didn’t have any choice, anybody would have done
what I did.” This way we avoid taking responsibility for our actions
and avoid the fear of facing up to our actions.
And
finally, we can blame other people for things about ourselves we should
have the courage to face. “You messed up. It’s your fault everything
turned out the way it did” or “If I didn’t have such a bad upbringing,
I wouldn’t have the problems I have now” all these beliefs cover up
having to face up to our true self.
When
we feel fear because of a threat, but feel unable to face up to threat,
we often try to just get rid of the feelings of anxiety that arise,
while ignoring the problem, We might turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling,
shopping, chocolate or whatever your addiction of choice is to
alleviate the feelings of anxiety and stress. The problem is of course
that the original problem remains, or may have become worse, and now we
have an additional problem of the addiction to deal with.
We
need the courage to face up to our inadequacies; to the fact that there
are errors or gaps in our map and to do something to bring our map more
in line with what the world is really like. To do this will reduce our
fear and free us to become who we truly are.
We
seek order in our lives. We like things to be stable and predictable,
because then we feel secure. Therefore we tend to fear chaos, the
unknown, the unpredictable and the uncontrollable. We cannot live in a
totally ordered world where everything happens exactly as we might
like, Chaos is inevitable, but not only that, it where the challenges
lie that provide the experiences that will teach us our true nature. It
is precisely those things that are unknown, unpredictable and
uncontrollable that make life interesting and worthwhile.
Fear
is about risk, but is about perceived risk not real risk. If there is
real lion behind that door over there I will not feel fear until I see
it. If I think there is a lion behind that door, but there isn’t I will
feel fear. We spend so much time fearing, or worrying about events that
never actually end up happening. It is wasted fear.
Our
dangers today are different. We are less likely to be attacked by a
wild animal or fall off a cliff. The danger we fear may be financial,
legal, or perhaps a relationship threats. We have the stress in our
bodies, the flow of adrenaline, but not the running away that would use
up the adrenaline. This is particularly so if the threat, say a
financial one lasts over a long time and the body keeps on producing
the chemicals, the body is not dealing with in the best way and can
make us ill.
An
interesting thing about fear is that we always fear something that
might happen in the future. We fear that something will happen. We fear
pain, embarrassment, loss, danger, but as that which we fear happens we
cease to fear it. A person standing near the edge of a cliff fears
going too close to the edge, a person at the edge fears falling over
the edge, a person who is falling off the cliff fears hitting the
bottom.
The
absolute fear for most people is the fear of death. As a society our
fear of death, of growing old, of disease and ill health is reflected
in so many ways. Death and sickness is all too often hidden away so we
don’t have to deal with it and pretend it doesn’t exist and won’t
happen to us. So much television advertising is about staying young,
beautiful, and healthy and hides a destructive fear of old age, loss of
beauty and sickness.
Having
beliefs about a life after death can reduce our level of fear and this
is where Spiritualist beliefs can help us a great deal. If we have
proof our logical brain can accept that life exists after death, we can
avoid much of the fear most people carry around, leaving us free to
concentrate on building up our spirit and achieving our true goals in
life. Some of us, however, use religious beliefs to deny our fear of
death. For them the belief in life after death is based on their
inability to cope with the possibility that death is the end rather
than a rational belief in life after death as a part of how the world
really is.
Fear
leads us to withdraw and feel more isolated and less connected to the
world around us, we feel threatened, so we often fail to reach out and
be compassionate and forgiving. We are more likely to respond by
attacking. The courage to be compassionate is a very important ability
to develop.
When
fear is used correctly it alerts us to real danger we should avoid, or
people we should stay away from. If our understanding is driven by our
intuition we can know things our rational mind cannot tell us. We have
all had those times when things just don’t feel right about people we
meet, or situations we find ourselves in. Sometimes we feel like
someone is watching us. By using our intuition and our courage to face
our problems and situations, we become truly powerful and can face our
world with compassion and become the truly wonderful spiritual beings
that we really are.
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