Today, we still react to threatening situations with anger, but it operates in a far more sophisticated way. Our anger is altered by many cultural, mental and emotional factors that were not a part of our pre-human ancestors’ world. The threat today is not usually a sabre-tooth tiger about to pounce and devour us. It is more likely to be our boss, partner, bank manager, some imagined event or something in the past. Anger is very complex, so we often don’t know what to do with it. We don’t like it, but we’re stuck with it. There are several ways we can try to cope with anger. First we can suppress it.
I am sure all of us here tonight realise that suppressing anger is not a good solution, even if it is one we actually all use often. Suppressed anger doesn’t go away. It goes underground and it reappears even stronger as rage or surprisingly, depression.
Sometimes our response to a threat is to withdraw and not respond. From the outside it can seem like a calm and peaceful response, but in fact, it is a form of anger and is just as destructive as an outburst of directed anger. We can try to express our anger in a constructive, positive way. First of all, feeling anger tells us there is something wrong with the world about us. We can use it to get the problem out in the open so it can be resolved. Anger shows other people that we have strong feelings about the issue involved. It gives us the motivation to want to change whatever angers us. These benefits of anger, I believe however, come at a cost. Firstly, when we are angry at someone, we threaten their picture of themselves, their self-esteem and that generates a resentment towards us. We must now not only resolve the initial conflict, but also resolve the resentment and anger we have added to the situation.
Secondly, and more importantly, anger separates us from what we are angry at. We say, “I am angry at you” or “I am angry at what you did” or “I am angry at myself”. If you think about it carefully, you will realise that we have already made a judgement that “I” am right and “you” are wrong. I have already assumed that “I” am separate from the cause of the problem. This is true even if we are angry with ourselves. This part of “I” is angry at that part of “I” that has caused the problem. We are now unable to look at any solution that does not mean I win and you lose.
Our actions are then based on proving that I am right and you are wrong. This judgment comes from our ego. Our ego is the image we have of who we think we are. We need this image to build an identity for ourself that allows us to interact with the outside world. The problem is that humans make mistakes and often the image of who we think we are doesn’t match up with who we really are. As humans we also need to feel that we are worthwhile beings, so we often blot out or distort reality so we can keep up the “nice” image we have created of ourselves.
When our ego drives our behaviour, the image we have of reality becomes more important than reality itself. It becomes more important to justify being right to ourselves than it is to perceive the world as it really is. It becomes more important to be "RIGHT" than REAL. The image becomes more important than the reality.
The ego often uses anger as a tool to help it maintain its distorted view of reality. Anger separates us from what threatens us, so the ego often generates anger to justify Itself and distance ourself from the threat.
We cannot solve the problem by killing off the ego, because without an image of ourself as an individual, we have no identity and no existence. We must slowly work to allow the ego to see the world as it really is and change its image to match the reality it lives in.
In order to maintain a distorted picture of reality, the ego must exert pressure on the world to pull it into line with its needs. This pulling is violence. Violence is not only physical but includes all forms of coercion. We use pressure, either physical, emotional, intellectual or spiritual to coerce the people about us to be what we want them to be and not what they would choose for themselves. When we are driven by our ego, we commit violence on the people around us.Anger generates violence, because anger is used to make us right and the other person wrong. Anger generates anger and violence generates violence.
We begin to create a map of the behavioural outcomes of person ruled by a closed ego. They get angry, spend a lot of time coercing or being violent to other people to get their way. They see themselves as right and other people as wrong. They do not try to hear other’s point of view, they are not open to criticism. They are prepared to lie or distort facts in order to remain right.
All of us can relate to this in some way or other, because we are all driven from our ego at times, and I would say, far more often than we would admit to ourselves.
We have used anger since our lives began and we have a genetic heritage of anger going back many millennia. It has become a habit pattern so deeply ingrained in our being, but the fact still is that anger is a choice. It is a choice we make in milliseconds, but it is still a choice nonetheless. Have you noticed how we change our angry response depending on the situation we are in. on one day a traffic jam will make us angry, whereas a similar traffic jam several days later will not make us angry. Our response depends on our state of mind. It is not the situation that determines our anger it is our own state of mind.
We obviously need a better way of coping with our anger. The pathway that offers a real alternative is compassion. It seems like a very unlikely alternative because the picture we usually have of compassion is that it is very passive. We feel compassion when see something that moves us and we feel sympathy for that person. We can use compassion as something very active. True compassion compels us to take action to alleviate the suffering of the other individual. When we look at compassion as being active, it becomes much more powerful. This means that we are not truly compassionate unless we act appropriately on what moves us.
Sometimes the compassionate thing to do is very confronting. Imagine seeing somebody walking near the edge of a cliff and obviously walking towards the edge. the compassionate thing to do is not to be passive and fell terrible and pained within ourselves because of the suffering the person is going through as they plummet to their death. No, the compassionate thing to do is to call out and warn the person of the danger, and if absolutely necessary hold them back from the edge. We do not need anger to respond compassionately. If we respond angrily at the person about to walk over the cliff, the threat to their ego may in fact make them even more likely to walk off the cliff.
Much of what we considered to be anger actually turns out to be compassion. That is why we have mistakenly thought anger was positive and useful. Whenever our actions allow the other person to respond more positively we are showing compassion. Often that is very direct and even confronting, but it always has the other persons welfare in mind. Tough love is a form of compassion.
Alternatively much of what we considered to be compassion turns out to be the distorted works of our ego. There are many parents who are violent towards their children by being too harsh or too soft in the name of compassion. Hidden under the seeming veil of compassion their self interest drives them. They are driven by an anger they are unwilling to control or the lack of courage to lay useful boundaries. Parents can cling to their children for too long out of a fear of being left alone. That is a form of violence perpetrated on the child.
Compassion does not intensify the separation from the problem that happens with anger. It rather says, “ I feel one with your suffering and pain. It hurts me and it hurts you. How can we come together to find a solution that alleviates the suffering we both feel.”We are then open to seeing ourself as a part of the problem. If we are not directly a part of the problem we are often indirectly a part. We may be ‘right’ in our opinions but the way we react to the “other” can be supportive or destructive. If our actions give the other person the best opportunity to display courage, we have been compassionate. If they are less able to act positively we have not been compassionate.
Compassion requires that we view the situation objectively, by standing back from the situation to see it clearly. It requires that we seek a solution that is in everybody’s best interests. Through compassion we come to the best solution, the best outcome for all involved.
Compassion requires considerable wisdom. We need to really understand the situation we are involved in. When we do not understand our situation and all the dynamics involved, we cannot make the best decision on how to act. No matter how good our intentions are, to show effective compassion we must have deep wisdom. I remember the story of a young man who saw an old man struggling day after day cutting firewood. One day, when the old man went away, he picked up that axe and cut all the wood in the pile for him. What he did not know is that the old man cut the firewood to keep himself physically and mentally fit, so his good intentions did not have the desired outcome.
Being truly compassionate is not easy. It requires considerable courage to do whatever is required to open the way for the best possible outcome. When we fail to have the courage to be compassionate, we use the next best method we have of solving the situation. We use anger to force people to do what we think is best. Anger can indeed solve problems, but there is always a cost. We build resentment in the people we show our anger towards.
While we endeavour to be more compassionate we will often fall back to respond to the world with anger, resentment and depression. This is only natural. We do have to express the anger we feel in safe ways that do not cause harm, so the anger is not repressed and move on to a compassionate response. Eventually the compassionate response will become our habitual response.
We have a new solution to our problem with anger. It is not an easy solution and it is a solution we will only slowly learn to use. We will , but if we keep working at being compassion and acting on it, we open a new doorway that will greatly enrich our lives.
We must cultivate compassion in the same way as we cultivate a garden. If we just leave it, the weeds of anger grow to choke the crop of compassion we are trying to grow. The weeds will grow into division and violence. If, however, we take the trouble to remove the weeds as they appear, apply compost, water and look after the garden, a wonderful crop of peace, love, co-operation and compassion will flourish grow an feed us.